Saturday, 4 July 2015

A night away.

Could you fight this lonely night?
Just a few stars shine that bright
And I’m telling you,
Rage rage, rage, against the tide
This blinding night,
That is all I have in sight
Half mine, and half yours
While you’re away,
Let me sing into this dead night
Ballads of what was once upon a good night
Crushing me,
Twice a moment’s grace ,
Honey, I lost you at half past midnight
And now it’s all dark,
I’m alone at bay,
And the night’s lost
Handsome wine
Lonesome whines
Whispers usher the lights I hide from
Dance of the devil, between the silence I hear
Before I walk too far,
Won’t you get onto my side?


Sunday, 27 July 2014

Watch over you. Check!

Let me take you for a little walk,
It is in this town I have never been to, along the roads I address as unknown
I don’t expect you to be abreast to this little journey, time is the longest it will take to complete
I wish to let you know 
Pray, must you later tell someone I tricked you, in the manner of a comforting banter?
***

This place, where we now stand  is where I first heard a Cuckoo whisper, and in the next an Owl howl,
But this is not the beginning of the path per say, it’s a fork. You can either take a step forward or turn around to go back to another start.
I like to call this the Fork of Faith. I must clarify it’s not Religion I speak of but the insistence and belief in taking time towards the course of unknown turns and incidents.
So shall we?
You see these trees that cover the abundance that is this long stretch, they were a mere spectacle of Tyndall’s find until one of our kind walked through this dwelling of charms that are fallen leaves and withered wood, reeking of the sumptuous Petrichor.
If you may, take a deep breath into the slight moist air and you will know what the Mulberry fruits and sweet Lavender from the hidden view have shared with us.
Let us walk further, or perhaps just revel in this solemn slumber, and take one step a day.
I don’t know the way ahead, I wouldn’t care to know either. I know enough for the canvas I had laid.
I killed birds with stones, and while you saw me from the distance with a million question in your eyes I watched over you.




Sunday, 29 June 2014

Wonderwall. Check!

 “There is no easy way to say this so I’ll just say it, I met someone. It was an accident, I wasn’t looking for it, I wasn't on the make it was a perfect storm. “
-Hank Moody, Californication

I’ll start this tour, of a little nuance
Unabridged and yet mildly wavered, to where it brings the peace to dawn and light to nights.
Weaving a story in the mind, over minuscule brewing conversations,
Something imaginable
Something engaging
Something tangible
Something as comfortable as the sun rise,
And true as an eclipse.

Moonlit banshees and long awaited escapades
Harbor thoughts of a long night’s wait,
Yet when the sight of familiarity breaches my wall, it’s known
It’s understood as a great find because there is a light that never goes out.
In the unattainable expanse of words and thoughts alike,
Seldom does one conjure a few notes that will carry you home,
But in the rest where everything fails and the hour remains,
Remember I will always be in a club with you in 1973.





Friday, 6 June 2014

Rasasvada. Check!

Dwindling dreams don't worry me
Ancient desires do
Partaking pleasure of another's presence doesn't hinder my far sight
It submerges my oath
Careless benevolence seldom does bother me
I am the story of casualty
Hither tither is your wavering journey
Yet you try and tinker my flame
I ask why? 
You wonder why not?
Must you understand,the memories have lead this journey to a fork of knots and ties that each of us breach
They say,they call,they murmur
They usher,with us
From beginnings to end.

Thursday, 5 December 2013

Document of Realization. Check!


I remember my first time on a swing without any assistance at this park in the cantonment where my father was posted. Hisar. I've plenty of memories attached to that place but somehow that feeling of being on the swing all by myself has always been with me and I have thought about the reason behind remembering it,vividly so,on numerous occasions. I haven't been able to convince myself with absolute reasoning but the closest I've come to concluding is that it was perhaps the sheer joy of liberation.

The air felt lighter and crisp above the mundane familiarity of the earthen heat over the ground level. I liked how close I could be to the perfect blue sky and grasp it in all its gigantic glory. The beauty of its vastness,the brightness just overwhelmed me. I drew the sky that day in the evening and all I did was empty the bottle of blue and white paint on a sheet of paper and move my palm across the sheet from one end to the other. And I did the same for many sheets and then asked my mother to pin them all together because that was how big the sky was I informed her diligently. So she told me it was much bigger than what I had imagined and perceived. This led me on to painting a few more sheets and she kept pasting them until the cardboard above my study table was filled with blue sheets and my canvas was set. It made me smile,the canvas I had painted. I had a sky of my own so that when I returned home I would still have the joy of looking at it,all bright unlike the night. I used to have the night lamp facing the canvas so I could see it from my bed and before I slept it gave me things to lookout for the next day. An incentive that just grew manifold in practice. As I grew I wanted to know about how and why was the sky blue,how did the birds fly,how I couldn't stay in air for long like them and hence forth. Those were perhaps the times I learnt the most,because I was learning out of sheer curiosity. That was another liberating moment.That canvas was saved for many years by my parents as I kept adding to it. 

First,the Sun, evidently a big yellow circle at the right-hand corner then birds(simple black extended curved 'v' ) which I eventually replaced with pictures of different birds and their names and two features of the bird that made it different from the rest. Then came in trees which made it even more exciting because I then took to climbing trees(and falling terribly times and over,I then learnt gravity was no good,and how being idle is no child's play but a trend that Sir Isaac Newton set forth with much ado) and getting a pocketful of leaf samples to show to my parents and ask them which tree it belonged to and that led me to learning about the different kind of trees around the place and subsequently giving me an insight into seasons with the yellowing of leaves and the blossoming of flowers. And all this happened because one evening I was left alone to be,and fend for myself without anyone to help/guide or teach me. Something as casual as swinging all by myself when there was no one but myself to observe,ask and answer to my questions. From that moment I have had plenty of opportunities to see,hear,ask,learn,draw and write but seldom have I felt the same as I felt back then. 

And I know why.

It is because I have never been that free,for a second time. I live under the shackles of what I have heard,seen and learnt much before I have allowed myself to observe to understand and believe. I have led myself to believe in the preconceived.
Terrible isn't it?
To not be free and just follow what another said and made me believe. I think I think too much about everything that is and that can be but I want liberation now,like I did a few years back for months and years together until the monotony of the usual spoon-feeding trespassed taking away the single greatest joy of life,of being free. So I document this realization before I can make another trip to a swing that awaits me and ironically yet another preconceived thought comes to my mind to set me free, from what someone else said and I'd like to believe that-
It is never too late.


**My expedition be blessed because I just spent hours together thinking about how to not think and to think to make myself believe that I mustn't think. Dang!**

Thursday, 24 October 2013

Hamartia. Check!

“Mazim! Where have you been, dearest?

Mazim?”  She questioned, her voice edging towards a slight hint of anger as she saw the five-year old standing outside the façade of their bungalow.

The little boy looked grief-stricken and tired, almost as tired as one is after a day’s work. He had lovely eyes, big and rather grand in the sunlight that peered upon his face under his thick lashes. The soulful set of hazel eyes were recessively inherited from his paternal grandmother, someone Mazim would only know about but would never have the luxury of knowing. The boy was quite the choicest when it came to genetic lineage. He was an amalgam of the select traits. For instance the eyes, the bourbon silken hair, thin lips, and a brilliant set of teeth. Yet his looks seemed to not move his mother one bit. Maitreyi was furious and he could feel her agitation from where he stood, like most kids he was unknowingly cautious of the wrath. But there was something else that he was doing standing right at the beginning of the façade of his house, he was counting the number of ‘Shehtoot buds’ on the vine near his window. He made a tiny trail of marking in the air with his fingers as his eyes scanned the vine starting from the ground. Delighted to find an increase in the number, he rushed right in front of his mother and touched her feet to seek her blessings. Mind you! Mazim was the most devoted son the entire village had ever witnessed.  Dhumri was proud of Mazim Dhar Vyom. And he never let them down. The Vyom’s gave their word for it.

“Forgive me, Ma. It was the last game of the season today, soon the rains will be here and I wouldn’t be able to enjoy Gulli with my friends until the soil has settled again. You were sleeping; hence I didn’t wake you up.” 

He walked past her into the house, avoiding her glare as he continued talking in her best interests, “You must rest more often Ma, Biji wouldn’t approve of such strain on your health.”

Maitreyi caught hold of his collar the very next moment and lifted him off the ground in rapid motion and started towards the ‘Khana Ghar’.

“You don’t eat Mazim! Look at you! What am I supposed to do with you and your nuisance! Don’t you ever feel hungry? Don’t you like what Ma cooks for you? “Maitreyi’s voice was strained with the obvious concern for his health.

She put him down on the wooden seat on the floor in a haste, with his usual pattal laid out in front of him with a variety of colourful delicacies aligned in a perfect semicircle with rice and chapatti spread over the remaining half. Mazim looked disinterested, yet again.

“You don’t like what Ma cooks? Do you dearest?”

He looked up at her with a warm smile and shook his head as if her words had hurt him.

“Nice, Ma. It is nice.”

To this her face lit up with an instant smile spreading across her face swiftly.

“I’ll get you more chapattis!” She struggled into a quick sprint, and then stopped halfway to kiss her son on the forehead before vanishing into the backyard of the Khana Ghar.

The mischievous fellow quickly grabbed all of his food in the pattal and carried it to the Ghoda Ghar  located at another corner of the house. He was tremendously fast, it took him just a minute to go and drop his food to his favourite amongst the race, Bhairav-the oldest of their horses.  A quick pat on his head and he was on his way to impress his mother.
Maitreyi walked in with more chapattis and to her surprise, Mazim’s pattal was clean with no food left on it.

“You finished eating little one?”

“Hanji”

“Is that it? You must’ve been starving. I knew it! Why don’t you listen to me? Eat some more.”

“No…No. I’m quite full. Can I go to my room? I’m sleepy Ma.”

“Okay go. But don’t waste time playing with those wooden toys the entire afternoon, get some rest or else you’ll be sleepy during the dawat at night.”

“Hanji. Hanji!” He hopped to his feet and quickly ran in the direction of his room, tracing the entire length of the staircase as fast as he could.

Mazim’s impulsiveness was seldom compatible with his physical strength. As he reached his room on the second landing of the bungalow he found himself struggling with the doorknob again. It was almost at his arm’s length, just a little higher maybe. He stood on his toes, stretched to the best of his efforts and finally got into his room.
As he turned to face the large windowpane something unusual caught his eye and at the same moment something curled in his stomach making him anxious. In a few swift strides across his room, he reached the wooden trunk at helped him level himself to the window and the view outside. With his foot perfectly set on the lock holder and palm clenching the top of the trunk he pulled himself on top of the trunk to welcome his eyes to the horror. His father was standing with a group of landscapers in front of the house, at the edge of the façade out of which one was diligently guiding his workman to shred the Shehtoot vines off the length of the building to make away for…well horrible “beautiful’ crawlers. Who wanted those outside a window anyway? They wouldn’t even share tasty Shehtoot with him. He would be left hungry every afternoon, there would be no secrets to keep, no memories of sumptuous delight of the vine bearings, no memories of his summertime spent home. There would be no fun, none at all. Angry tears flowed rapidly down the slope of his cheeks as he sat down on the wooden trunk with arms folded across in chest, fingers wrapped tightly into a fist as he trembled with the urge to confront with his father, lament the loss of the vine or struggle to curb the peaking hunger. And somewhere amongst all contemplation, he drifted into slumber that was the sweetest delight that could ever be.
***

Maybe Mazim could have been the next Nawab, or Shahzaad-e-Hindustan…Alas! If only, they had not taken away the one thing that had kept him working so hard. Or maybe Mazim could have never been what he had been so far,the Shehdoot! 


Saturday, 12 October 2013

Nihility. Check!



What do I do when I miss you? 
What do I do when I miss your smile? 
What do I do when I need to share that one joke with you? For I know only you would know what it is all about. What do I do when I want to hear one too? 
What do I do when I miss your laughter? I have lost mine too. 
What do I do when I go silent and I don’t have you to kill it?
What do I do when I hear what I did when I was in your arms? Should I avert the song or, replay it? Should I resolve to mute or sing along? 
What do I do when I think hatred is what you have chosen to present me with? All I know is love.
What do I do when I see you stare out of the picture? I smile, mirroring yours. 
What do I do when I look in your eyes? I can feel them addressing me. I know the power they behold, to capture the ones who dare. I did, to melt away.
What do I do when I lie alone at night and think what might wake me up if not the essence of you? Insomnia is not reined.
What do I do when I fight in my head to make you believe? Believe in me. 
What do I do when I think of things you dislike, things you never told me? All unleashed one night in misery.
What do I do when I wait to hear from you? Silence rings in my ears.
What do I do when I think I must leave? My destination fails me.
What do I do when I want to voice my thoughts and tell you how I feel? Sheer brilliance of thy being.
What do I do when I understand you are gone? Search for things interesting.
What do I do when my presence of mind fails me? I question my intellect, and persevere to be better.
What do I do when I know beautiful is what you will gradually find? To know I never will be.
What do I do when I want to go back in time and make no errors? To think I would still have you.
What do I do when I think of times I deliberated to make an impression it came rambling back at me? To know it wasn't your tasteful retreat.
What do I do when I go back in the past and live there presently? To hold myself against the force of time, like an epiphany for my being
What do I do when I know I will never have it again? Must I simply weep or lament? Must I wait or part away? Or partially pry?
Questions so forth in my mind. I keep them low; tuck them to slumber to put an end to the impulsive play.
Curtains close here, to my dismay. Back to the discounted diversion that was once the self I now seldom call mine.